my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
