You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
