My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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