We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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