i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
