Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've blown a few things in my day
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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