Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
