Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Randomize
