I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
