I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
