ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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