Don't make out with my wife yet
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
