I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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