You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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