I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
