The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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