Plan B is the new Plan A
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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