you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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