The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
