I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
