My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
