May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
