He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
