they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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