it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
