It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
