i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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