I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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