i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
