she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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