I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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