I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
