Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
