I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
