Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
