I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
