I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
