2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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