He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
