Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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