it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
