Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
