no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
