He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You did what with his pubic hair?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
