Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
