Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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