Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
