yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
