Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
