I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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