There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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