Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
