Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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