I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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