Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
