she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Two words: nipple clamps
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