Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
where are my eyebrows?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
