this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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